What is going on with me??? I just can't think of anything to blog about. Our lives have fallen into the winter blues and we can't get out! We've done some fun and mildly entertaining things lately, but nothing to write about. Okay, I guess I will, but just for a minute. We went to a Butterfly Zoo and saw all sorts of disgusting bugs. It was like an episode of Fear Factor... no kidding. There were African hissing beetles and Asian harry spiders and Grand Canyon chomping scorpions and it was disgusting. (Okay, maybe those are not the bugs' exact names, but you get the idea, right?) The kids saw so many gross creepy crawling things that I nearly lost my breakfast and I've always been one to brag about my iron stomach. The butterflies were awesome, though, and made the momentary nausea worth the trip! We also went to visit a fire station with Lainey's preschool which is always fun.
Other than those two blips on our schedule we've been living a lackluster kind of life around here. I've debated for months if I should post about something that has been on my mind a lot lately and since I've decided it's the reason for my current writer's block, one more trip to 'Planet look at me, look at me' (bonus points if you can name the movie that line is from) wouldn't hurt any of you since you've just proven from my last post that you're all my friends. Sometimes it's just too easy to get self involved and self obsessed when all you've got to say is about, well, yourself, but I guess I'm hoping this will be cathartic or stress relieving or something. So I'm not looking for sympathy or even comments (they're turned off, for this post only), just hoping that sharing with the great beyond will ease my very minor heartache. And it may be a little melodramatic, but it's my heartache and it seems pretty real to me.
Everyone I know is pregnant. And I'm happy for you, and you, and you. I swear. It's lovely. Really and truly lovely. I love knowing pregnant peeps and I love sharing in the joy with friends and family. In fact, at the end of December, our neighbor had their second and I got to sleep in their bed while son #1 slept and mom and dad snuck off to the hospital in the middle of the night. It was great. There is something so special about being the extra set of hands when there really aren't enough to go around. It is the greatest part of this human experience, serving each other on such a basic and necessary level.
I remember a few other times like this that I got to be there for friends in need. Once, a friend was having some preterm labor and I slept on her couch while she and her husband rushed to the hospital and baby #1 slept in his room. Thank goodness baby was fine!
I also got to drive a good friend who was in labor to the hospital while our husbands were off at a college basketball game. So funny. Tammy made sure she covered my car seat with towels in case her water broke... as if I cared. I'll never forget hanging out in your living room, Tammy, while we timed you contractions. Great memory for me.
And as selfish and irrational as it may seem, I really wish I was one of the pregnant few (actually, pregnant many as the case tends to be in LDS crowds).
I lead a very charmed life, I know. I have more blessings than I can count. Please don't think me ungrateful. There's just this one hang up in my life. And it's small and easy to wade through, but sometimes in a dark, selfish, ungrateful moment, I feel betrayed by a body that doesn't do what it was built for with ease. I wish I was one of those girls who just looked at her hubby to get preggers. But I'm not, not even close. I know our infertility issues are small, but they're there. I WON'T call them infertility problems because just take a look at my family. We've had two kiddos of our own. I obviously don't have a 'problem' and wouldn't diminish the real infertility issues other couples face by comparing myself to them (which is why I hesitated to write this at all). That's the maddening part of this whole thing. Beneath the heartache, I just feel like a rotten person, wanting more that what I already have, and what I already have is more than some people can ever dream of having. It's maddening to listen to a doctor who knows whats best and have a hard time accepting that I can't have what I want when I want it (right now, to be precise). Learning that timing isn't everything has been a hard lesson to learn.
And I think of the friends who will read this. Friends who've suffered with ovarian or cervical cancer, friends with tumors requiring surgery, friends who've miscarried babies that were deeply wanted, friends who had hysterectomies at illogical ages and friends who have waited on adoption waiting lists for years. (Yes, I've known all of these friends.) Who do I think I am? What right do I have to complain? And yet, here I am. And its funny, because those friends, more than the others, know where I'm coming from and hopefully they don't sit in judgement of my silly little and somewhat irrational heartache, but feel it with me.
As I look back, I realize that both my kids came long after we wanted them to, but I have to say that both were wanted desperately. That's the silver lining in all this, I guess. My babies were gifts from God that blessed my life immensely. I couldn't think of God as unloving and unfeeling after receiving the miracle I longed for most... twice. And in comparison to others, 'long after' wasn't really that long. It wasn't years, just months that seemed like an eternity to a desiring 'mom to be'.
So we wait. We listen to the doctor and do the small things she's asked. We jump through hoops that, at times, feel very unnecessary and redundant. We wait, we listen, and we pray. We pray that in heaven there are some darling little spirits seeking mediocre parenting in a home with immeasurable love. We pray that our obedient efforts will be enough to bless our lives again. My sincerest prayer is that Heavenly Father hears the countless times I tell my children I love them every single day and wishes the same to be heard by His other spirit children. And I learn to count my blessings as I recognize the plan of someone who knows me better than I know myself.
3 months ago
