Generally Specific

I just finished making your fav lunch, Lainey and Brady. Mac n cheese. Okay, maybe it's not your favorite, but you both love it and eat tons of it, so that's close enough to favorite in my book. As I hollered upstairs for the 5th time for you guys to come down and eat, I stirred those little noodles into orange oblivion and thought about how many lunches I've made for my little brood. This year marks my fifth year as a mother... your mother. An overwhelming thought, really. So long, yet so short. I wondered as the cheese dissolved how many more boxes of processed, cheesy, noodle-ness I'd make. My blue boxes aren't quite numbered yet, since we have plans to eventually give you two some more siblings, but the days with you two are. You're getting older. My baby isn't a baby any more! It's taken a new nephew to really see how big you are, Brady! And Lainey, this is your last year at home with me before kindergarten. Don't tell anyone, but I'm pretty certain this is why I didn't push too hard to get you into a preschool. I'm going to miss you next year!!!



Anyway, back to the lunch you've now devoured. As I stirred and listened to feet clomping down the stairs (finally), a question popped into my head.



Is this everything you thought it would be, Carrie?



I think it came from a place of frustration at the growing pile of dishes, the crayons scattered (again) on the dining room floor, or just the plain repitition of herding you two (shouting up the stairs) without having to physically herd you down for lunch.



I paused.



I looked at the pan and the mac n cheese that I've made countless times, thought of the monotony of stay-at-home mommying.



And I gave the question a serious moment of reflection. Is this everything I thought it would be? Specifically? No. No way. But generally? It's so much better than anything I could've thought motherhood could be.



Specifically, I didn't think of the countless sippy cups I would fill. I didn't think of the number of words I would utter that would be totally disregarded. I didn't think of the teeth brushing, the laundry, the diapers, the laundry, the meal preparation, the tantrums, the laundry. I just thought of that tiny little one belonging with me and Tyler. Specifically, I knew of the late nights and nursing, but I didn't realize that those things are short lived and not as important as other specifics. I didn't think of the teaching involved with motherhood. The teaching I would give, and the teaching I would receive. I didn't specifically think of the moments of doubt and uncertainty in raising another person to go out into the world armed with knowledge, confidence, and faith. Specifically, motherhood was completely what I expected... until Lainey hit about 2. Then all my expectations went out the window and I started treading water.



Because specifically, motherhood is hard. And when Lainey turned 2, all the specifics I'd read and studied about no longer applied. So here I am, treading water. Sometimes dipping too low into the water, getting too wet, splashing too much. Sometimes, I get tired. But I'm still here. There are a few reasons why I've been able to stay afloat, though. A major reason is your daddy. He's right there with me motivating me, buoying me up, doing what is needed. But you two, Lainey and Brady, are the biggest reason why I find the energy to keep treading. Your smiles, your unprompted 'thank you's, your kisses, your excitement.



Specifically, I didn't think of all those things. I knew children loved their mothers, and mothers loved their children, but I didn't know how good that feels. Specifically, I couldn't know the warmth I would feel in my heart, cuddling in a twin bed with my four year old daughter for a bedtime story. Specifically, I couldn't know the feeling of maternal pride while watching a 2 year old throw a football. I wouldn't know the sound of the laughter that I could make come from my children by dancing like a fool in the family room. Specifically, in anticpating motherhood, I couldn't have known how having kids, not babies, could be so magical and imaginitive... for me. I couldn't have expected the happiness I'd feel watching my children learn and explore. Specifically, those are the moments that -for me- make motherhood generally unexpected.