Have you ever been zinged? Has someone said something so nasty/snotty/rude to you that you just didn't know what to say? I remember this happening in high school. I would be stunned speechless by something a frenemy (don't know what this means? read here) would say that I couldn't say anything. If I did happen to think of something to say, it was usually totally lame and probably just made the snotty person think even less of me. Not that I cared. But I was just zinged. I wanted to zing em right back.
No? This hasn't ever happened to you?
Well, in high school, we (my brothers, sisters, and I) would usually go home and tell Mom all about the mean person who said that mean thing to us. We would always say, "What should I say next time?" as if there was going to be a next time. But when has the same person said the same thing to you twice? Me? Never. Unfortunately. And Mom would always think of the best zinger. It out zinged the frenemy every time. Mom was clever. Mom was witty. Mom was ruthless.
So what does this have to do with anything? I was totally zinged last week. By a seasoned zinger. I've heard this girl say some zippy zingers. And she finally fired one my way. And, of course, I said something totally lame in response. I had flashbacks to all my high school angst. And for the next 48 hours I thought of every zinger I could. And some were really good. Really REALLY good. But the problem with thinking of zingers is you gotta have serious kahonays to say that kind of stuff out loud to the intended zingee. And unlike my frenemy who totally zinged me last week, I just don't got it. Sure, I can storm around my house and spout off about mean people, but I just can't say it to some one's face.
And I don't want to be that girl. Her, the one who zinged me. I don't want to be like her. I want to be the socially awkward person who sometimes says something really stupid and then gets zinged for it. Because I'd rather have people pretend be nice to me for being socially awkward than have people pretend to be nice to me because I'm totally rude. I guess I'm just a champion for the socially awkward. Or maybe I'm the spokesperson since I sometimes tend to be apart of that group.
And maybe that was the beauty of sharing all of this with Mom. She would tell us what to say. And then, eventually, after the anger and hurt wore off, she would tell us why it wouldn't make us feel any better to say whatever clever zinger she thought up. She would tell us about people who sometimes have to say mean stuff to get heard or noticed. She would tell us that sometimes we don't always know what is happening in someone else's life. She taught us compassion. And when I have happened to work up the kahonays to fire my zinger, I would always find that Mom was right. I didn't feel better. Guilt is a great teacher. And my friend who zinged me, her life kinda sucks right now. So, you know, if she needed a punching bag, I'm a good target. Because zingers don't bother me for long. All I gotta do is think of what I could've said. Then realize I don't want to. The lesson here isn't a new one.
Turn the other cheek.
3 months ago
13 comments:
I'm not good at comebacks either. Maybe that's a good thing, right? Thanks for the cute post. I love your thoughts.
Carrie, I've been there so many times! It always reminds me of one of my favorite parts of You've got Mail.
Kathleen: "When I'm confronted by someone I get tongue tied and my mind goes blank. Then I spend the rest of the night tossing and turning over what i should have said. For example what should I have recently said to a bottom dweller who recently belittled my existance. Nothing... even now days later I still can't figured it out... "
Joe Fox: Wouldn’t it be great if I could pass all my zingers to you, then I could always be nice and you could be nasty whenever you wanted to be. Although I must warn you... when you eventually have the pleasure of saying the thing you want to say at the moment you’re wanting to say it... remorse eventually follows...
I hope I am not a person who gives out a lot of zings. I have been zinged a few times, but like a lot of us, I can not think of a dang thing to say for a comeback! Unfortunately I don't get over things quickly like you do Carrie!
You've Got Mail is one of my fav. movies so when I read your post, I immediately thought of this movie, but your friend Jeanie beat me to it! HA, same wave length!
Well, I feel dumb. I totally stole this from You've Got Mail and DIDN'T EVEN REMEMBER the scene from the movie... where is my head? I totally forgot about that whole thing... crazy. I seriously feel horrible that I plagerized or something. Whatever. It's not like You've Got Mail copyrighted Zinger or something, right?
I do remember all of that Carrie. Although I will say this for myself:
Sometimes you have to call people on when they're being rude. Because otherwise they will never figure it out for themselves. Not in a nasty way, but something to the effect of "I'm surprised you just said that. That's pretty hurtful. Are you trying to upset me?" And if they say yes, well then you can lay into them. But if they say no, you can then ask "then why did you say that mean thing to me?"
It sounds totally lame on paper but it usually works. The people who hurt us the most are usually the ones we respect the most: our friends and family. So if you can call them on something, they usually don't realize they're being that nasty. When they realize it they are sure to apologize. And if they are meaning to be nasty, well, then you have my blessing to throw it right back in their face. Because people who are intentionally rude should be verbally and physically abused.
Dad Banks
From Elder Bednar's talk in Oct Gen Conference 2006:
"During a perilous period of war, an exchange of letters occurred
between Moroni, the captain of the Nephite armies, and Pahoran, the chief judge and governor of the land. Moroni, whose army was suffering because of inadequate support from the government, wrote to Pahoran 'by the way of
condemnation' (Alma 60:2) and harshly accused him of thought-lessness, slothfulness, and neglect. Pahoran might easily have resented Moroni and his message, but he chose not to take offense. Pahoran responded
compassionately and described a rebellion against the government about which Moroni was not aware. And then he responded, 'Behold, I say unto you, Moroni, that I do not joy in your great fflictions, yea, it grieves my soul. . . . And now, in your epistle you have censured me, but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your
heart' (Alma 61:2, 9). "One of the greatest indicators of our
own spiritual maturity is revealed in how we respond to the weaknesses, the inexperience, and the potentially offensive actions of others. A thing, an event, or an expression may be offensive, but you and I can choose not
to be offended--and to say with Pahoran, 'it mattereth not.'
Hm, I took Mom's post-incident zingers as inspiration to think faster, and zing better.
Hahaha, just kidding, kind of...I agree with Danner, some people have to know that what they're saying isn't okay, if it's a reoccurring offense. Sounds like your frenemy (hadn't ever heard that before, nice work) was having a rough time, so props to you for being the bigger person, though unintentionally ;)
This brings up the issue of frenemy though, why does such a thing exist? Sounds like a hassle and a worry that you shouldn't have to deal with.
Thanks for this post, it is always good to know that this kind of thing happens to other people also. I don't think you are socially awkward. You are not a "social queen bee" or a "chatty cathy" but you're not awkward. I am finding that I am really starting to gravitate toward people that are down to earth and don't put on big productions of them selves. I think this is why I have always respected and enjoyed your friendship so much.
Tammy, I love you too!
That is so true. The comebacks always come to you too long afterward that it just wouldn't be a good zinger anymores. But I guess that is good!
What great thoughts! You post was very thoughtful, and I have so enjoyed the uplifting comments from everyone else. Very very good to think on.
Boy, I'm right there with you all the way! I hated highschool so much because of being zinged so often, and also by people who I though were my friends! This reminds me also of "you've Got Mail". I'm the same way- When it happens my mind goes blank, but later, I can easily come up with all sorts of very nasty things to say. Glad I'm not the only socially awkward person out there!! We should start a club!
I kept thinking of You've Got Mail through your whole post. :) I love that movie.
Oh I know what you mean. It totally throws me off when I discover someone is a frenemy. Isn't it weird that we are adults and moms and some girls are still going around competing like it's high school. I loved a trick I learned while in LA where there were quite a few frenemies. When they would say something rude in front of others or just to me I would call them right on it. I'd say, "Wow. That was so rude." Sure enough they'd jump back and be surprised to be called on it. I think they thrive off of feeling sneeky and I wouldn't pretend I didn't know what they were talking about. Some of my friends that I thought were friends and said those things after I called them on it naturally backed off from me. I wasn't rude back. I just put up a boundary that they couldn't talk to me that way. If they are just socially unawarely rude than it helps them think twice. It felt awesome. Yes it was scary at first, but awesome.
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